Aaron and I had been trying for 4 months to get pregnant before that beautiful day when the 3rd (yes…third) pregnancy test read positive! We were soooooo incredibly excited and although normal protocol says to wait until the end of the first trimester to announce your pregnancy, we announced it 5 weeks in. We have such an incredible support system and family that we just couldn’t contain ourselves!!
On Thursday, I started bleeding. I had been spotting weeks before but on Thursday I knew something was different. I could feel my body changing. Thankfully my mom and I work together and she had spent the day trying to comfort and console me BUT I knew. She brought me home and the spotting turned crimson red and my heart dropped…did I do something wrong?! Immediately my mom, Aaron and I got into the car and headed for the emergency room.
Blighted ovum and inevitable miscarriage is what they told me. They couldn’t find a heartbeat is what they told me. There was a 50/50 chance that I will miscarry completely is what they told me. You will have to wait until Monday to get some REAL answers is what they told me.
So I went home, with my rock solid, uncondtionally loving husband, and held out hope that this baby in me was alive! I spent the entire weekend believing that God would heal me completely and that I would go back to the OBGYN and they would find my baby’s heartbeat even though my body was telling me that this pregnancy was ending.
Side Note: Those of you who had been trying to contact me over the weekend and didn’t receive a response or received a short response…please forgive me…this is the reason why.
Monday morning I went back to my OBGYN and she gave me the news that what my body had been telling me (and what I believe God had been preparing me to handle for weeks) was TRUE. I had miscarried. The embryo hadn’t formed completely and there never was actually a heartbeat.
My body had almost completely healed and this was a one time event that was not likely to repeat. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it wasn’t mine and Aaron’s fault that we miscarried.
Monday morning God had been working on my heart…that morning I couldn’t help myself from singing the lyrics to “Healer” a Hillsong song. The lyrics are so beautiful…
I believe You’re my healer.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe You’re my portion.
I believe You’re more than enough for me.
As I was singing I realized how completely contradictory these lyrics are. We believe that God is our healer but we also believe that He is our portion that He is more than enough for us. This means that even if He doesn’t heal us completely, even if bad things happen to us HE IS STILL ENOUGH. If I never have a child in this life (THE DOCTOR SAID I WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN, THAT NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME AND THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE) HE IS STILL MY PORTION…HE is still enough to completely satisfy me and HE always will be. Regardless if my ultimate desires come to pass…HE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.
The joy of the Lord and the true peace that passes all understanding filled my heart right there in the doctor’s office as she was telling me that I would not be a mother as soon as I believed. He was there with me in the room keeping me grounded, healing my heart (and my body) and assuring to me that HE is always more than enough for me.
IN CONCLUSION, we love ALL of you! You have celebrated with us and now I know you will mourn with us BUT please know that Aaron and I are ok. We are filled with God’s peace and joy and we hope and pray that you will be as well.